Thoughts On The Underwhelming Atrocity That Was Starrcade 2017

This past weekend, WWE ran a meaningless house show in a market that hasn’t been relevant in thirty years, and in an attempt to bolster tepid ticket sales in the onetime NWA stronghold of Greensboro, decided to try and lure nostalgic (and by this time, likely senile) wrestling fans of years gone by in by branding the show Starrcade. While it did lead to a boost in ticket sales, “Starrcade” (if we’ll insist on calling it that) reeked of a desperate attempt at a one-time pop in interest the likes of which haven’t been seen since Bill Goldberg’s title win over Hulk Hogan in 1998. Unfortunately, much like the Georgia Dome has, this idea imploded pretty quickly for a number of reasons.

For one, it wasn’t televised or even streamed on the WWE Network. We’re talking about a company that will run anything from Corey Graves talking about tattoos to wrestlers FUCKING DRIVING FROM TOWN TO TOWN (and they even manage to fit some wrestling in there as well), so the fact that this supposedly important event wasn’t even considered to be worth airing says a lot.

Also, how can you have a Starrcade without even a single NWA title being defended? And if you’re going to try and tell me the WWE United States Title is the same title Barry Windham held, then I’ll tell you Dale Gagne’s AWA was the real deal. I mean, with all the hype Billy Corgan has been putting behind Tim Storm, you’d think he could get the weekend off from his day job as a pastry chef to be here for this. Then again, maybe it was better that WWE didn’t put a geriatric in the ring, that hasn’t gone well for them in the past.

I appreciate the video packages looking back at the old stuff, but the glaring issue I had with it is that I’m pretty sure that when the NWA ran Greensboro back in the day, they didn’t even have electricity and indoor plumbing, much less a video screen. It made it difficult to suspend my disbelief.

Another dead giveaway that this was a WWE event and not a REAL Starrcade is the fact that it was entirely built around old guys who came in, hogged the spotlight, and held all the young up and comers down. Sure, Dolph Ziggler’s a great wrestler…until Arn Anderson comes for his ass! Dash Wilder was half of one of the greatest tag teams in NXT, but pales in the face of the might of “The Natural” Dustin Rhodes! We’ve got four teams fighting over the tag team title, but we know the REAL stars of the show are the Rock N Roll Express! Come on, is this supposed to be Starrcade, or Wrestlemania with all these nostalgia acts?

Well, the good news was that they at least turned down the lights during the matches, which covered for the fact that half the crowd left before the main event since they can’t drive in the dark anymore. They didn’t even do a Dusty Finish in the main event. Calling this trainwreck Starrcade would be like if WWE put Bart Gunn and Bob Holly together as a tag team and called them the Midnight Express: a blatant misdirection aimed at a segment of the fanbase who is probably just too old and confused to know any better (and probably weren’t that smart to begin with).

WWE Wrestler Has Backstage Heat Simply For Existing

Midcard wrestler Daryl “Smash Jackson” Sorensen has reportedly landed himself in the doghouse, apparently just for being there.  He has spent weeks doing jobs on Superstars and had been forced to change in the hallway outside the locker room for the last several weeks in what appears to be a heretofore unseen violation of the ambiguous rules of backstage conduct.

<!–more–>”I’ve seen people get in trouble for some weird crap during the time I’ve been here,” said one worker who requested anonymity so he wouldn’t have to toss Vince McMahon’s salad on Raw as punishment, “Leaving early, not shaking everyone’s hand, shaking everyone’s hand, not beating up Batista for screwing their girlfriend, but this is the first time I’ve seen anyone get in this much trouble just for being there.  It’s insane.”

Another worker who also requested anonymity had a different take on the situation: “The guy’s a genius. He just got here, and already found a way to collect a six figure salary for doing practically nothing.  He’s not taking many bumps, gets to eat at catering, and it’ll probably be like seven years before they even remember he’s under contract and release him.  I wish I’d thought of it.”

Atlas Security Hired To Keep Order On Pier Six

A new sheriff is coming to a place long renowned for being home to many of the most vicious brawls known to man, as Atlas Security has been hired to police the lawless badlands of Pier Six. After years of maintaining order at wrestling shows promoted by companies like ECW and TNA, Atlas Security is well prepared for the types of troublemakers they’ll be faced with on Pier Six.

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Dixie Carter In Apparent Stupor

According to those close to her, TNA President Dixie Carter has lapsed into an unusual stupor where the only words she speaks are “Stay tuned!” While this has long been one of her favorite responses to questions she didn’t have ready answers for, Dixie has apparently become trapped in a psychological rut that has experts baffled. Read more

Heel Interference Foiled When Babyface Not Distracted By Entrance Music

Bray Wyatt recently suffered an unexpected loss to Dean Ambrose on Monday Night Raw when, despite Seth Rollins’ music playing during the match as Rollins made his way to the ring, Ambrose kept wrestling and defeated Wyatt before Rollins even got close to the ring.

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GFW Announces TV Deal On TV55 In New York

Hot on the heels of TNA’s announcement of their new deal with Destination America, TNA founder Jeff Jarrett has finally, after nearly a year of speculation, announced a TV deal for his fledgling GFW promotion. Starting in Janaury, they will air at 1 am on TV 55 in New York City, with the possibility of other overnight programming based on GFW’s ratings performance.

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